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Saturday, September 29, 2012

Gossip Has Consequences

He who belittles and despises his neighbor lacks sense, but a man of understanding keeps quiet....He who goes about as a talebearer reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy and faithful in spirit keeps the matter hidden.  Proverbs 11:12-13 (amp)


Most of us have heard a teaching or two on gossip and how it affects our relationships with other people.  The rule of thumb tends to be "if someone talks to you about other people, they are talking to other people about you."  Understanding this helps us decide whether we want to share information with someone else.  But how many of us understand that gossip is a character issue?  If we listen to John Wesley , he gives us some comments with regard to two of the words in these verses.  In verse 12 he says that the word despises is shown by using contemptuous or reproachful expressions about another person.  He goes on to say in verse 13 that the word secrets refers to things that are committed to a persons trust with a charge of secrecy.

As we look at the definition of gossip, it runs the gamut from idle chatter or light conversation about another person to conversation involving malicious chatter or rumours about other people. Often times, gossip is a mixture of both of these conditions.  Gossip can come from a desire to warn others if they are about to enter into a relationship with someone another person knows something positive or negative about.  It can also come from self esteem issues in someone who gets their value by dispensing information that others don't know.  The most negative type of gossip comes from a vengeful person who has been hurt or wounded by someone and they want to get back at them.  Overall, the common denominator about gossip is that it consists of disparaging remarks about another person expressed as personal opinions about the information that has been revealed about that person.  

If we understand the above verse correctly, it seems to be saying that individuals who are wise don't gossip because they have certain value systems in their character that discourage them from doing so.  These values are trustworthiness and faithfulness.  Faithfulness can also be defined as loyalty.  Trustworthiness and faithfulness can also be found as components of being honorable

Please don't misunderstand.  I am not saying that people who inadvertently talk about another person have gaping holes in their character.  We all do that from time to time.  The thing to understand about gossip is that it is a heart issue overall.  If we have revealed something that we know the other person doesn't want us to talk about, we need to examine our hearts and determine why we did that.  If it was a mistake, we ask forgiveness of the person we told it to, and then watch our mouths the next time.  However if we are in the habit of talking about other people, that is a different story.  In this case, it would be most helpful to find the root of the habit and begin to deal with it.

In Luke 6:45 (NKJV) it says, "A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks."  This verse says exactly why gossip is a heart issue.  We carry hurts and wounds in our heart and out of that wounding we speak.  Knowing this, it then becomes our responsibility, as mature and responsible adults, to do what we can to heal these wounds so we are not tempted to speak about others in a negative way.

Looking at this issue in light of its consequences, they are few, but they are serious.  Most importantly to understand, gossiping breaks trust and breaking trust is serious business.  When friends speak to each other in a one on one conversation, there is an unspoken expectation of privacy.  Sometimes people remind each other that what they have said, they spoke in confidence.  But even if they don't, that expectation is there.  Talking about a person breaks trust with them. 

Secondly, it reflects back on the person who is gossiping and taints their character.  Someone who talks negatively about other people is not usually someone who is trusted with confidential information, or sought out to talk to when a person needs emotional support. 

Thirdly, a person who gossips sometimes doesn't have a clear understanding of, or doesn't remember exactly what has been told to them so when they repeat it, it is repeated with errors in the information.  The results of this can be illustrated by the old game, "telephone", where a group of people repeat something to each other around the room and the last person reveals what was told to him or her.  Without fail, when the information gets to the end of the line, it is different information than what was started with.  The game can be lots of fun, but in real life this kind of thing can damage someones reputation beyond repair.  It also has the effect of being very hurtful to people, because they often feel betrayed.  Additionally, they don't know what is being said about them so they can correct it. 

In closing, gossip can take the form of problem solving, in the event that problems are not discussed correctly.  To keep this from happening, if you have a problem with someone, discuss it with them, not someone else.  If you need advice from another person about how to solve the problem, go to that person in the spirit of finding a solution, not to get them on your side.   Problems are NEVER solved unless you do this.  Talking to Mary about your problem with Joyce is not going to solve your problem with Joyce, simply because you aren't speaking with the person who can solve the issue, Joyce.  

In the Christian community, gossip can take the form of asking for prayer for someone.  If someone comes to you with information about someone, saying we need to pray for them, stop right there and pray for them.  You don't need to know all the intimate details because God does.  Take the person's hand and begin to pray.  That will stop the gossip in its tracks, and if you continue to respond that way, it will stop gossipers from coming to you.  This is a good strategy if you are trying to eliminate this habit from your own life.

If we consistently seek to honor ourselves and others, we will behave in ways that move us out of the realm of gossip into things like encouragement and motivation.  This is what we really want to do.  Become an encourager of your friends and you will gain more friends.  Encouragers motivate others to become better than they think they can be.  This is a very positive and beneficial trait.  Ask yourself this question, "Who would I rather be around?  Someone who motivates me to be better or someone who talks negatively about my friends?"  This is a personal decision and one that we need to address on the road to becoming more Christlike.


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Saturday, September 22, 2012

Reputations Are Important

Child 1
Child 1 (Photo credit: Tony Trần)
Even a child is known by his acts, whether or not what he does is pure and right.  The hearing ear and the seeing eye, the Lord has made both of them.  Proverbs 20:11-12

These days, we don't hear much about the worth of a reputation.  However throughout scripture, we find portions that talk to us about how our life and what we do with it gives others the ability to determine our character and trust us.  Often, I tell my clients that if they behave in a way that is consistent with who they are, if they are accused of something they didn't do, the people who know them will dismiss the accusation almost immediately.  Have you ever heard something about a good friend and said, "that doesn't sound like Mike, you must have misunderstood."  People who truly know us are quick to dismiss information that is inconsistent with what they know to be true about us.

If we teach our children how important it is to have a good reputation, it will be a valuable asset to them as they grow up.  They will learn that what they do is often seen by people they don't even know are watching.  If a child behaves well, makes good decisions and treats people with respect whether they are being watched or not, it speaks directly to who they are.

Once they understand this, the next lesson they will learn is that their behavior must stay consistent whether their acts are seen or unseen.  What a person does when they believe no one is watching speaks more about their character than what they do in front of others.  Having the type of character that is consistently honorable breeds trust with others and shows responsibility.  A pattern of behavior that is fraught with dishonesty and inconsistent behavior tends to speak negatively about a person.

In our present day and age, the concept of reputation has become very important in terms of the internet.  There are several companies who have become successful because they search the internet to determine what is being said about specific individuals who have purchased their service.  These individuals understand that if someone is saying something about a person negatively, who may have the same name or business as they do, that needs to be corrected.  They don't want another person's negative activity to reflect badly on them.

Our children need to understand that this is a scriptural principle.  Our lives must be consistent with who we say we are if we are to be found people of good reputation.  Our speech, our behavior and even the people we associate ourselves with must all be congruent with the person we believe we are and the person we promote ourselves to be.  Otherwise our integrity is found wanting.  This is not just a suggestion.  As a spiritual principle, it always works this way whether we agree with it or not. 


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